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  FINDING PEACE

  Military Love Series Vol. 3

  FIRST EDITION

  First published in USA in 2017

  Copyright © 2016 by Steffy Rogers

  Edited by Kathy Krick

  Cover Art by Double J Book Graphics

  Formatted by Indies InDesign

  Proofread by Ultra Editing Co. & Forget Me Not Proofreading

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are a production of the author’s imagination or are used factiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locals is entirely coincidental.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior consent of the publisher, except in case of brief quotations embodied in reviews.

  To all those people who said I couldn’t –

  This one’s for you.

  BANG.

  I’m startled awake by a sound that seems to be a gunshot. What the fuck? Turning on my side, I notice that Ciara isn’t in bed with me. Where is she? When it dawns on me, I’m on my feet in record time. My heart races as I fear the worst – please let this just be a bad dream. She’d been doing so good, going to therapy, and was on the way to beating the demons inside her head.

  I search every room in the house for her but come up empty. Shit. Where the fuck is she? I go to grab my phone when I notice light peeking through the bottom of the guest bathroom door.

  “Ciara, are you in there? Please, baby, open the door.” I beg as I bang against the locked door. What is going on? I try a few more times, but when I still don’t receive an answer I throw myself at the door with all my strength. Of course, the fucker won’t budge. Fuck. Running into the garage, I grab my tool box and carry it to the bathroom. I desperately try to pick the lock on the door and finally, after what feels like forever, it springs open.

  Nothing could’ve ever prepared me for what I find inside. It’s a nightmare come to life, the thing you only see in movies, blood everywhere. My body is taken over by uncontrollable shaking as I force myself to look down to the floor. Right in the middle of the bathroom, surrounded by a huge puddle of blood, lays the love of my life, the woman I’ve vowed to love until the end of time – my Ciara. There’s a gun next to her – this can’t really be happening.

  Falling to the floor, I cradle her to me not caring that I’m getting blood all over myself. Why? Why did she do this? Sobs wrack my body as I hold her lifeless body in my arms and plead with her to come back to me. I refuse to accept that she’s gone, taken from me forever. This can’t be. I’ll wake up and find her sleeping peacefully next to me, but even as those thoughts enter my mind, I know that I’ll never see her again.

  I don’t know how long I sit on the tile floor of the bathroom. It could’ve been minutes, it could’ve been days. Any sense of time has left me. I sit there crying for Ciara, crying for lost love, and the fact that her demons were stronger than our love was. Why did she do this to us, to me?

  “Caige, what’s going on?” Aunt Martha’s voice sounds from the front door. I must’ve called her at some point, but I don’t remember. Everything’s become a blur. I can’t even answer her to let her know where I’m at. It takes a few minutes for her to find me and even then, I can’t bring myself to look at her. Ciara is still in my arms, now cold from being gone for so long. Her soul has left her body leaving me behind shattered, broken, and lost.

  “Oh my God, what happened?” When I meet Aunt Martha’s eyes shock is written all over them.

  “She left me. She fucking left me, Aunt Martha. How am I supposed to live without her?” I finally find my voice.

  “Come on, Caige, get off that cold tile floor. We have to call 911.” I can hear her talk but the words don’t register with me. It takes three grown policemen to get me away from Ciara and sit me in the living room while the coroner takes care of the body. I watch as they wheel the love of my life out of our house and in that moment, I know I’ll never be the same again.

  Present

  It’s been ten years since I lost Ciara – ten years since I last held her in my arms.

  Our relationship was pretty much love at first sight. We met in basic training and by fate, we ended up at the same duty station in Ft. Hood, Texas afterward. We were pretty much inseparable from the moment we met, and I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Ciara was it for me. Aunt Martha and Faith were always making fun of me because I wouldn’t talk about anything else, but I knew secretly they were happy for me and would welcome her into the family with open arms. Ciara’s parents had died when she was only six years old and after being passed around in different foster homes she decided to join the Army on her eighteenth birthday. Though she’d gone through a lot, she was still full of life, strong, and independent.

  After a year in Ft. Hood, we were both sent on our first deployment in Iraq. We saw and experienced shit no twenty year old should ever have to experience. Hell, I wouldn’t wish that shit on my worst enemy for that matter. It was rough on both of us, but it hit Ciara harder and when we returned home she was diagnosed with severe PTSD. The moment we set foot on American soil it was like Ciara was replaced by a ghost. Nothing made her happy anymore, and it took everything in me to make her see how much I cared for her. Convincing her that she wasn’t alone in this world was a daily battle, but I happily fought the fight. Ciara was my entire world, and I would’ve done anything to make her see that she was worthy of being here.

  After a few failed suicide attempts, she was medically discharged from the Army. Once she was out and knew she’d never have to go back to that hell hole, she slowly started getting better and even moved out to Georgia with me when I was stationed there. As I’d predicted, Faith and Aunt Martha fell in love with the girl who had captured my heart. It was refreshing to see Ciara smile again. She even started seeing a therapist to talk about the shit we’d seen in Iraq. Even though we deployed together, she never talked to me about the things we saw. I don’t know if she was scared that it’d send me in a downward spiral or if she just didn’t trust me enough.

  For six months after we moved to Georgia, everything was amazing. Sure, we did have little arguments every now and then, but Ciara was doing better than she had ever been. She seemed happy with our life and was talking about going back to work, which was a huge step for her. She didn’t really like being out in public, scared something would set her off again. For those same six months, our world was all right until one day we had a huge fight. I can still hear her yelling at me as if it happened yesterday.

  “You just don’t understand, Caige. You’re not in my head every day.” She’s screaming through the tears. I hate seeing her like this but I’ve had it. I need her to talk to me and not shut me out.

  “What do you mean I don’t understand? I was right fucking there, Ciara. I saw the same shit if not more. I was the one who went out on missions all the time, not you. You were cozied up on the FOB while I was out there seeing shit that doesn’t compare to the things you’ve seen, Ciara.”

  “Oh, is that what you think? That you are more entitled to feel like shit just because you went out on missions and I didn’t? I didn’t choose to be born a woman and you know damn well I wanted to go out on those missions. None of that changes the fact I’ve seen things that haunt me every fucking day, Caige. Or do I really have to remind you of the time I watched a little boy blow himself up? That image is still ingrained in my fucking brain. He was barely five, you know that. He had his whole life ahead of him but no… his family turned him into a little terrorist.”

  “There… you said it… he was growing up
to be a terrorist. So excuse me that I don’t feel sorry that his life was lost that day. Yes, it’s sad to see a child die, but if he hadn’t died that day who knows how many more he would’ve killed throughout his life. We lost two men because of him. I just can’t feel bad for him or his family. Meanwhile, I watched Sanchez die while we were out on mission. Where were you? In your tent without a care in the world.”

  “How can you be so fucking heartless, Caige? He didn’t choose to be born in a war zone. Fuck. Why am I even arguing with you? You’ll never understand.”

  “Then help me understand – I want to understand. I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know how to help you anymore, Ciara. I tried everything, but you won’t even talk to me about this stuff. I’m there when you wake up screaming at night but yet you still shut me out. I want to help but you have to let me. Your shit is getting ridiculous really. Are you sure it’s the PTSD speaking or is it just a cry for attention? I’m really starting to think you’re making all this up.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now? Do you really believe I’m that good of an actor to be making all this up? Do you think I have fun making you suffer with me? You’re a fucking asshole, Caige. If I’m that much of a burden to you, maybe it’s best if I leave,” Ciara says as she walks into our bedroom and locks the door.

  I have to force myself to get out of my head. That night Ciara put a bullet in her head. I would never forgive myself for the fight – it was me who had sent her over the edge. Our last conversation was angry. I should’ve told her how much I loved her, that I wanted to help her. Instead, I fought with her, made her feel like she was alone. Ciara was everything to me. That night, when she committed suicide, my world stopped. Nothing was the same anymore and guilt has plagued me every fucking day. There were a few times I thought about following her, but I couldn’t do that to Aunt Martha or Faith, my best friend. They needed me, and I wasn’t going to cause them any heartache. I wish I would’ve handled that fight differently. Ciara would still be with me, and I wouldn’t still be mourning her loss after all these years.

  My phone rings and when I see that it’s Faith I pick it up.

  “Hey, Squirt, what’s up?”

  “I’m on my way over. Are you ready?”

  “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

  After Ciara’s funeral, I didn’t visit her grave for a year. I just couldn’t bring myself to face it. The only way I made it through the funeral was because I was drunk off my ass. I knew Aunt Martha wanted to kick my ass, but she didn’t say anything. She kept telling me that I needed to visit Ciara and say goodbye. I always blew her off. One day out of the blue Faith packed me in her car and drove to the cemetery. I hadn’t even realized where she was going until we got there. It was the anniversary of the day Ciara had died.

  “What the fuck are we doing here, Faith?”

  “I’m tired of seeing you sad. I’m tired of your fucking mood swings, but most of all I’m tired of seeing you blame yourself. Ciara had demons and there’s nothing you could’ve done to change her mind that night. I know what I’m talking about – I’ve been there. I want you to talk to her. Apologize if you want to, but after today, I won’t watch you sulk in self-pity any longer. She wouldn’t want this life for you. She’d want you to move on. Life goes on. I know it seems impossible, but one day, you’ll think of her with a smile on her face, not a sad look. She’ll always be the love of your life but your life’s here with us – not with a ghost.”

  “Am I really that terrible?”

  “The worst. Now go talk to her.”

  That day at her grave I told Ciara everything I wasn’t able to before she left me. I told her how much I loved and missed her. Not only did I tell her that I’d never love anyone like I loved her, I also vowed to myself that I’d never fall in love again. If I couldn’t spend my life with her, I didn’t want to spend it with anyone else either.

  After that day at the cemetery, it became a tradition that Faith would take me every year on the anniversary. No one knew about it, and I thanked Faith every day for keeping this a secret. With each of our visits, it became easier for me to go to the grave, so I came out more often. If it hadn’t been for Faith, I would’ve sulked forever. I can always count on her to pick me up when the pain of losing Ciara gets to be too much to handle.

  My doorbell announces Faith’s arrival and I head down the stairs to meet her. She’s about six months pregnant with her and Seth’s little girl Aurora. I can’t wait to meet the little princess and teach her everything an uncle should teach their niece. I’m sure we’ll get in a lot of trouble with her mom, just like their son Tristan and I do, but it’s going to be so worth it.

  “You look beautiful, Faith. How’s my niece?”

  “She’s happily kicking and has been sitting on my damn bladder all day. But other than that, everything’s fine. We go for more sonograms tomorrow. I can’t wait to show them to you.”

  “That’s awesome,” I say excitedly.

  Being a parent may not be on my own radar but that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy for my friends. Being an uncle isn’t half bad. I get to sugar them up and then give them back to their parents.

  “Let’s do this, huh?” Faith asks.

  “Yes, let’s do this.”

  We spend the thirty minute drive in silence. Faith knows this still isn’t easy on me and respects that I’m not much of a talker when we take this trip. We have a silent agreement that for two hours I get to sulk, cry, and be an ass if need be but after that she gets to slap me out of it.

  Once we arrive at the cemetery Faith parks the car and I gather myself before walking over to where Ciara is buried. Aunt Martha must’ve been here not too long ago. Fresh flowers grace the headstone that we had put there after her death.

  Death is not a foe, but an inevitable adventure.

  Here rests Ciara Hudson, beloved girlfriend, daughter, and soldier.

  March 11, 1984 – July 31, 2006

  “Hello, my love, it’s been ten years today since I’ve last seen you. I miss you so much it still sucks the breath out of my lungs. I’d give everything just to have one more moment with you.”

  As I sit here talking to Ciara, a slight breeze starts blowing, and I know it’s her letting me know she’s here with me.

  “Faith’s pregnant again with a girl this time. You already know she’s gonna be spoiled rotten when she gets here. You’d love her husband Seth. He’s a good guy, and I’m so happy she found someone to heal her demons. I wish I could’ve been that man for you. All I ever wanted for you was to be happy, but I failed. I try so hard not to blame myself, but I can’t help but replay our fight over and over again, thinking of things I could’ve done differently. My life will never be the same without you but I’m learning how to handle it. I’ll never forget you, and I’ll most definitely never love anyone the way I loved you. You remember that day in basic training when we first met? We’d just come back from crawling around in the mud and though you were covered from head to toe, I still thought you were the most beautiful girl ever. I’m pretty sure your first words to me were “What are you staring at, asshole?”. You were always so sassy. Truth is I couldn’t stop staring at you. You captured my heart in that moment, mud covered and dirty mouthed.”

  I let my tears fall freely. I can feel her close and I wish I could grasp her, hold her just one more time.

  “I love you, doll. Go… be with your parents. I’ll be back soon.”

  I lay down the flowers I brought for her. Purple lilies, her favorite. Once I say my goodbyes, I walk over to where Faith is waiting for me. When I get into the car, she smiles at me before pulling away from the cemetery.

  Ten years later, the pain is still as evident as the first day, but I know Ciara would want me to live my life and follow my dreams. I can only hope she’s watching and is proud of the man I’ve become. When I lost Ciara, I lost a huge part of myself and in the time she’s been gone I’ve yet to find that part of me again. I put on a front for my f
riends every day but on the inside I’m hurting. No matter how often Faith tells me it’s not my fault, I’ll never believe it. She wasn’t there for the fight. She didn’t hear the nasty things I spewed at Ciara. I should’ve taken her more seriously knowing full well the shit that we had to endure on a daily basis while we were deployed. Just because I didn’t suffer from extreme PTSD like she did doesn’t mean it wasn’t real. If I could go back and kick myself in the face I would. I’d never say the things I did and I’d show her how much I loved and cared about her.

  There’s no way I could ever fall in love again. I hurt the ones I love most and I can’t risk losing another person the way I lost Ciara. It’s better for me to stay alone. For both me and any woman who glances my way. I am destined to be alone.

  We get back to my house and Faith decides to stay for a bit. I put in a movie and order takeout to feed the pregnant monster.

  “When are you finally gonna settle down with someone, Caige? It’s been ten years.”

  “Try never. There’s no way I can put myself through that ever again. What if I fall in love again and she leaves me like Ciara did? I couldn’t handle it again.”

  “You have to let it go, Caige. You can’t walk through life alone. It’s okay to let someone back in. I did it – why can’t you?”

  If only she knew. For the last two years, I’ve been pining after a girl I could never have. Amanda was one of my best friend Skye’s friends and I promised her I’d stay far away from her. I would hold true to my promise because Amanda deserved more than I’d be able to give her.

  “I can’t just let it go. Ciara’s death was hell. You know that – you were there. I could never put that on anyone.”

  “I wish you’d change your mind. I think you and Amanda would be great together.”

  Can Faith read minds now? Why the fuck would she even bring up Amanda? I’ve never talked to anyone about this.

  “What makes you say that? Amanda is not even my type.”